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I am about to die, about to cease to exist.

And I am not afraid.

As I wait for the moment when my tenuous tie to life is snipped, as I wait to grasp the elusive idea of death, I feel so alive.

The sky is bright and blue- the kind of sky for happy days- and nowhere can I find the bleak gray horizon that should accompany battle.

The air is sweet and delicious, tasting of delicate little wildflowers and new spring grass, and I cannot smell gunpowder or death yet.

And this moment, the one before all others are stolen, may be the most lovely scene I have ever set eyes on.

The brave boys are running towards us, towards me. They scream a ghastly sound and it sends shivers up my spine to hear how they believe in what they fight for- even if not in words. They are a ragtag bunch, clad in clashing shades of gray, and decorated with stains of dirt and blood.

Their banner flaps and cracks in a definitive way, proudly, and it  is beautiful.

All those men- all those beings: men and mere boys together- running and holding onto their cause. And even though I don't agree with the cause, their cause, it is beautiful.

I am about to die for mine, and they for their's. A lovely, though ironic, sort of equality at the end. Because we are really the same, I think.

And I will die under my banner, flapping in the wind, beneath that peaceful blue sky- and he will die under his, under that same darling sky.

Such a scene of brutal beauty, it would be a sin to ruin it with fire.
Now which war could this be referring to??
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My piece for :iconthewrittenrevolution:'s Prompt "Write about something ugly, but find the beauty in it".
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:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Critique:
:bulletred: Does this cause emotion?
:bulletwhite: Does it make sense?
:bulletblue: Flow well?
:bulletred: Entertaining?
:bulletwhite: Thought provoking?
:bulletblue: Overall enjoyable?

and anything else you want to mention!
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#theWrittenRevolution Critique: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconrednight4872:
rednight4872 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
For your critique request, yes to all. I think that it is a marvelous piece, though I might have to disagree with it being ugly at all. What could be more beautiful than many people fighting together or against each other for a cause they find righteous? I think that the only true dream, is a dream you are willing to die for, and if you don't think you can die for your dream then it is but a glimmer.
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I am a sucker for the whole military thing, but yet- when people close to me get involved, I don't want them to- greedy of me, eh?

:D
Reply
:iconrednight4872:
rednight4872 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
IMO, I don't believe in fighting with guns or knives. I believe in fighting with words or fists. All a gun proves is that someone is a coward, and a knife makes things to easy and can be unfair. But someone that is fighting with words can show true knowledge, and someone fighting with their fists can show true will power.
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
let's win our wars through debates!!
Reply
:iconrednight4872:
rednight4872 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I wouldn't be a bad idea if I can get the rest of the world to agree with it. [link] I'll add it to my speech and blog. ^_^
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:D sweet blog, the standardized language would be an issue- i am an advocate for everyone learning latin, since it is a dead language it would be fair
Reply
:iconrednight4872:
rednight4872 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It would be fair, but it would also be harder to teach to everyone, let alone get them to agree on it. I may love Latin and Japanese, but I was thinking about what would be best and easiest for the general populous.
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
true- i just always have had this feeling we should all elanr latin, perhaps because i want to be able to speak it haha
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconallthelittlekeys:
AllTheLittleKeys Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Student Writer
I will admit; I greatly disliked this. (Initially I wrote hate but that is so severe and to an extent, untrue)
But then I continued reading; the moment boys are mentioned this entire piece is new.

It does cause emotion, effectively a strong sense of pity.
It does make sense although I really feel a very stark contrast between the introduction and the core of the body, as though half way through intended thought you broke off. Perhaps the beginning could allude a bit more to the means of the poem. It all seems a bit of a self-pitying suicide contemplation, ironic seeing as though wore is practically glorified suicide when you consider the common outcome.
It is entertaining; the thought of pride and glory and selflessness that blends men and boys a very wonderful little tidbit.
I do apologize if perhaps my critique may have been harsh in some form, there is no means of malice and negativity just a blunt statement. :)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't feel bad- I'm very open to hearing negative responces, too ;) Otherwise I wouldn't get better :heart:

I was actually portraying war purposefully in a war I don't comletely agree with, I am doing a big research paper on how Americans overly romanticize war and glorify the cause of dying for your country and noble causes- so I tried to portray more the American idea of war than my own.

I will defintiley work on those negative comments, like the disjointed intro and core.

If I didn't like people being blunt, then Simon Cowell wouldn't be my fav American Idol judge ever ;) I can take it :giggle:
Reply
:iconallthelittlekeys:
AllTheLittleKeys Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Student Writer
Oh yay, *phew*

I'm well aware of America's tendencies to glorify the nature of war. You captured that very well.

And we all love Simon Cowell, although I'm sure the British accent had something to do with softening the blow of his statements.. :) Just read this all poshly.. :P

But keep writing, :) you have a wonderful style that's really quite pleasant to read
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
haha, no need to have worried- I don't bite (or gnaw :giggle:).

Gracias ;)

I will read all future comments from you as if Simon himself is saying them haha :rofl:

Aww, thanks! :blush:
Reply
:iconallthelittlekeys:
AllTheLittleKeys Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Student Writer
Haha thankgoodness.
:)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
;)
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011   Writer
1. For me? I think it's a bit inspiring, though since I've read so many war poems before, perhaps I'm desensitized? Perhaps it needs something a bit different that sticks out that would give a bit more pow with emotion.
2. It was fairly clear to me. :)
3. There were areas where I think you could remove "and" right after commas. I think that would help the flow a bit more.
4. Yes, somewhat. :)
5. Again, I have read many war poems before, though it is about not being afraid of death, I have seen this theme before. It is certainly nice for what it is.
6. Well, I'd say it's not boring, if that helps. :)

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks so much for your time! :hug:

I'll do some editting, and see if I can cut out some of those 'and's ;) Try to think of some more 'pow' I can add too lol :tighthug:

thanks so much!!
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011   Writer
You're welcome! :glomp:
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011   Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Interesting. I like that you describe how real and alive the world seems, just before death... I've never been in that situation but I think you would come to appreciate everything more, if it happened. The sense of it definitely comes through... and I think makes it more emotional because you realise how much the character is actually losing.
It is a little confusing – I'm not entirely sure whether the boys were on the narrator's side or about to kill him/her. That's the only thing I think you could expand on a bit, to give it some context – but otherwise, I really enjoyed it. :)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!

I can defintiley try to make it a bit more clear on whose side the men are- I was trying to make it purposefully vague (they are against our narrator though, and coming to kill him, they are the Confederates and narrator is for the Union), as to make it so that the reader sees how it doesn't matter whose side you were on at the end.

Thanks so muchhhhh!
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011   Writer
You're very welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:tighthug:
Reply
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The descriptions resonate very deeply, and your decision to apply vague connotations and use non-specific diction helps to fuel a tone of mystery, elegance, and deep introspection. Emotionally, the language is general enough to provide a sincere, heartfelt reaction. Sense-wise, it is a more obvious choice to believe that the setting is The American Civil War, however this is just a gander. It is very entertaining, because it provokes so much thought. Overall, a highly enjoyable piece with wonderfully executed imagery/technique.
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you so much! I am so glad it is entertaining and that I managed to execute some imagery! Thank you! :tighthug:
Reply
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's no problem at all.
Reply
:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011   Writer
-It struck a great deal of emotion in me, its just beautiful, how you described all this.
-This makes perfect sense, There was no need for anything about them, what their cause was, you described it just wonderfully.
-Did not flow to me, but to me, it still went together right.
-Entertaining? Look to the first three parts of this comment for your answer.
-Thought provoking? It was downright inspirational.
-I enjoyed it very much, it was worth the fav. I liked this short piece very much.
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow- such kind words! Thank you! I am glad you like the way I described it! Do you think the lack of flow is detracting though?

Thanks sooo much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconyellow-tulips:
yellow-tulips Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011
fascinating....ive already read it three times and i'll read it more before im done here :)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
oh wow- I am so honored! Glad to entertain you :heart: :hug:
Reply
:iconcloakedapprentice:
CloakedApprentice Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2011  Student General Artist
Ahmazing...Could it possibly be the Civil War?
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
aww thanks! :blush: :glomp:

Oh yes it could be ;) That's the war I found most fascinating- right after that, the Revolutionary War, then maybe WWII.
Reply
:iconcloakedapprentice:
CloakedApprentice Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2011  Student General Artist
You're welcome! :la: :iconfurryglompplz:

Haha cool. Yeah it's probably got to be the bloodiest war ever...eww :boo:
And those are cool too =)
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
awww :blush:

Very bloody for its time- the combination of napoleanic style and new more accurate weapons was disasterous!
Reply
:iconcloakedapprentice:
CloakedApprentice Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Student General Artist
Oh yeah no kidding. I would HATE having those old weapons; I would never have the courage to get that close to the opposeing team just to shoot one guy. -_-
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
verrryyy true, they really were brave!
Reply
:iconazolio:
Azolio Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2011
Beautiful and tragic. I love!
Your writings make me so jealous....:XD: Amazing stuff! And you always come up with interesting ideas!
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww, thanks!

Mostly the prompts give me ideas- or things we read in english class, or just completely randomly come to me. But thanks! Glad you like them ;)

I was just reading a few of my other pieces, and noticed how often I use the word "and" to make 'chains' of words. "sweet and cold and lovely" (random made up example) always in threes, weird.

Guess that's part of my style lol
Reply
:iconazolio:
Azolio Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2011
Oh yeah, ,that happens to me too...except when I read something, I tend to like the original idea better than what I come up with...so I don't write it at all.... :O Or I also notice I repeate phrases in other thins I write..... :XD:

hehe Its always good to have a style!
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
aww, you just have to work at that i guess :( I tend to come up with a few lines for the idea that go through my head for days, driving me crazy- until I put them down. And usually those are my fav pieces of the piece, and I feel like the other lines detract from them. Like "In the end, we all bleed red" was one example of that, was in my head for dayssss, and "They say wisdom comes with age, but childen don't start wars", and "but leaves her longing for one last glimpse of that crimson sky"... drives me to insanity, i swear/

agreed :D
Reply
:iconazolio:
Azolio Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011
Haha. Maybe try writing them down in a little notebook or something? like a library of Awesome Phrases? :XD:
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
that's a good idea.. hopefully gett hem out of my head enough to pay attention in school ;)
Reply
:iconazolio:
Azolio Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011
Yush, Sunny, finish school! It is a wondrous place you must pay attention in. :iconmadlynotimpressedplz:
Reply
:iconsunnyblueday:
SunnyBlueDay Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
it is like a world filled with rainbows, unicorns and small bunnies- except without the rainbows, unicorns and small bunnies, but with paper, pencils and big heavy textbooks instead :D
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